Untitled Document

ANDREWLAND

(under construction)

Andrewland is where I live. Sure, it's a house and the grounds, bushes, trees, flowers and such, but it's much more than that. It has a feel. A flavor. Dare I say it has a style? And don't forget the inhabitants. There are birdies. There are squirrels. There are deer and other woodland creatures. But there are also gargoyles, gnomes, and fairies. And cats (sorry, no dogs allowed). And my wonderful wife. Next to my wonderful wife, the best are the elves. They are very helpful, cleaning the kitchen, leaving money lying around, and other elf stuff. (but no cookie baking. These are not Keebler elves).

Why don't you take a look around the grounds?

To start with, Andrewland is surrounded by a replica of the great wall of China surrounding it. For some reason, the Chinese have not bothered to copyright their wall, so I will beat them to it. And I plan on using the proceeds from when I win my case for copyright infringement to pay for the rest of the construction.

Naturally, the house is in the middle of a nice wooded patch of land. So if you look around, you will notice trees. Yes, over there. Right over there. Oh, clean your glasses for heavens sake.

There are trees. Lots of trees. Lots and lots of trees. So many gol dang trees. You never saw so many trees before. And if you are up late at night, you can actually hear them. Creeping towards the house. Slowly, ever so slowly. They think they are sneaking up on me, but I hear them. I see them too, on nights when there is a full moon. I see them, sliding their roots towards the house, ever closer to the house.

Oh, sorry, enough of that. But please don't let your children too near the trees. They have been known to bite.

The house, as you can see, is a geodesic dome. The water. Well, what would a home be without a moat? That brings to mind a good story. One of the hardest parts of building Andrewland was finding moat monsters. Sears quit carrying them several years ago, but they may have a few left in stock. I eventually had to make a deal with Nessie, who talked some of her friends into being my moat monsters. Just don't get too close to the water, because the deal says they can eat anyone they can catch. Other than me, of course.

Walking around to the back you see a series of ponds and lakes. The first is an ornamental pond made of reinforced cement. It is set inside a formal garden surrounded by a large, impenetrable hedge. We have taken the design for the hedge from the old children's story sleeping beauty.

You know the story. Where the prince had to hack and claw his way inside, using his sword like a machete -- hacking, and hewing, and sawing, and cutting, and ripping, and splintering, and digging, and sundering, and rending, and crumpling, and ....

(please stand by, we are having technical difficulties with the author -- he forgot to take his medication this morning).

OK, looking at the pond, you see goldfish, Koi and of course water lilies. And naturally you see various statuary around the pond and a fountain in the middle.

The back of the property contains various free-form ponds (as free form as careful planning and a backhoe can make them).

Next you see the various gardens. We have a vegetable garden, an herb garden, a tea garden, a flower garden, a second flower garden, a rose garden, a third rose garden, another herb garden in case the first doesn't produce, a couple of tenant farms for revenue, a hedge maze, and finally a water slide.

We have plans for expansion, but so far we are having trouble convincing the neighbors to sell out. But don't worry, I have plans. Let's just say I have ways of convincing people they don't want me for a neighbor, eh.

You want details? Well, for example, the tombstone garden might just do the trick. And if not, the live-action gargoyles will certainly help.

Back to the front page